John Derek Campbell

Lamentations is a book in the Bible containing poetic laments regarding the destruction of Israel. But that is not the lament I would like to write today. I decided to exercise my personal lamentations on the difficult road as a Christian afflicted in the flesh.

What prevents me from being drawn as powerfully as I know I need to the Truth in the Good News? My mind wanders to the left and to the right and flees reading the text. Why? I am able to listen to powerful, and often convicting sermons. I enjoy reading in short stints in convenient forms (digitally). However, opening the Word is like lifting a weight my body cannot quite carry for a long distance.

I have found periodic success, but ultimately, as I know the Word is my best shot at knowing God and hearing His still small voice, it’s nearly paradoxical that I do not read often. This, combined with the trials in life makes for one weak vessel. Though I know that in my weakness, God’s power is made perfect as mentioned in 2 Corinthians 12:9.

I hope I am submitting, but all I hear is silence it seems. There’s a kind of heartbreak of sorts as I cannot find the only Truth that is constant in a world that is full of deception and outright lies. Although, I admit that God speaks to us in different ways: through others, through situations, and any other method He likely believes will get our attention.

This season that I am in, is it merely a test? Will my faith survive the illusion of absence of whom I depend on for my very life and salvation? These are the questions I wrestle with on a daily basis as I battle nearly fruitlessly with disappointment, an aching heart, and a pit in my stomach that begs to be attended to. These aren’t physical pains, but emotional wounds. Yet, not all of them even I have an idea of where they arise from.

Such is the journey of man. We may think we have things figured out, but ultimately there is only one source of that does know: God.

I feel I seek to surrender, but the pain can often become intense as I navigate the circumstance of life, and as I haven’t seen a breakthrough, I feel my only option is to get back up and fight some more. What good is it that I surrender only to feel such a strong need to fight more? My ability to sustain a never-ending list of growing problems (so it seems) is already strained beyond measure.

I reflect on several nights back and I spoke to my wife. I was disappointed and frustrated. This was echoed in the tears that eventually came and the clenched fists that tried fruitlessly to contain the anger from my pain. I cried out, extremely foolishly, that it felt as if God was truly putting me through this, it was an evil thing to do.

At that point, I was calling God evil–a blasphemy. My emotions had overflowed and I felt the aching misery in my heart as if the Holy Spirit Himself was actively grieving such a statement. My heart was being pulled and tugged in several directions at once before it all ceased.

I repented, or at least believe I did. Later that night, I was able to finish my transparent conversation with my wife and attain a peace I had not seen in some time. However, my journey is unknown. Has it restart from nothing? Was my faith a ruse? I ask God with a humble heart why the emotional pain is such an incredible burden… yet silence.

I know we must not only believe or trust in God when He speaks. However, in silence, despite knowing God is near to the brokenhearted and lowly in spirit, it can feel fruitless.

Come quickly, Lord. I pray for the support I need, the conviction and correction I require to grow, and the rest that will allow healing. Until then, I have been nearly broken.